Everyday I can’t get out of bed as I get out of bed, nor can I put the rubbish out. I’m not talking to her she’s famous. We will go back to Elvira St, where the druggy skaters from laselle smash a building site.
Consoled by youtube strangely – is that possible? A moving, saying that can help me walk the street lighter? Words are the point. Instructions. It is the eclipse, see how wei say things only to propel. Meetings are full of this – going through the motions.
But, while walking – dogs are barking mad. I knew it wasn’t about me this time. Amusement. In my arm chair called out to whatever it is out there amused at my selfness barking indiscriminately comprehensive complete occupation. What choice remains? It gives you the perspective of a robot or a fighter (jet).
The youtuber? Said his life was very uninteresting. TBH people don’t want you to worship them – it’s like getting angry at seagulls for using you. One of the great beliefs I have is that I cannot trust my mind despite trusting not to trust it. A reoccurring decimal.
You don’t bother transcribing or it would go on forever. You just write “r” and move on. You understand now how pointless it is doing cocaine. I said, “Look, I can’t go on – no, wait. Look, I don’t know why – no.” See the universe can’t really work with that, it’s too broad so I said, “Look, I can’t go on, I don’t know why,” etc etc. Apparently I’m already going on and know how + why.
This made sense to me but not my flowers so I’ve let them live how they wish.
4 Jan 2018
I was at Rifo’s with Lawrence and told him I had 19 of these journals. He said I should start screwing with them. Did I have the trick? Why did I have the attack of the holidays? I sat with mum for hours, we read Matthew and she cried three times. I told her I struggle with a love between God and art. She said art is in his image and not to surpress it. Then I saw Lawrence then Sam then picked up the velvet book and burst. I was supposed to go to bed but the ink kept gushing. It had been stuck all this time inside a jelly of fear. Afraid of ridicule for being soft and wobbly. But now it’s like the most amazing cordial. I just know this is what they mean by purpose. Bad energy stays in the throat but the chords are relaxing, my voice is breaking again. Things are really starting to change because I realise I can’t. Mum said I need to get checked out. That there’s a good therapist in Mt Lawley. The poison needs to come out, it’s tearing you apart. I said don’t worry about what Aunty Pat says. It’s my Facebook and I’ll write whatever I like. That was a poem for chrissakes. She said, “Maybe I should listen to it with music?” I sung Dadada. It really does sound like your going off the rails though. I said I haven’t been on the rails since the 60’s. At that party, on a big property. A girl said we may as well get married and save time. So I took her to my room, there was clean clothes allover the bed. I said I don’t bother putting them away there’s no point. She got in and I went into my high school garden for a leak which went for ages. When I got back to my room it was rearranged and she was crying. “He came in wild with language and pissed right there two times.” I said, “Right,” and went and cut up his toy engine with a hacksaw.