For people who kill themselves


Mexico City.

The pictures throughout the post were developed off my film camera today for..:)

I read excerpts from a book in Huautla called Brilliant Perfect Stillness and decided that I was no longer an individual but merely an extension of natures connected system, like we are all one, leaves on a tree. With that, I decided all this writing and facebooking I was doing was feeding an ego I`ve been desperately trying to lose, so I quit. For 6 days. I simply can`t walk away right now from the love I get from people in all this, I love doing it, It comes dribbling out of my mouth when I`m sitting still, I just want to talk about it.

I also read about “The man who quit Money” and “The Peace pilgrim” who live and lived without money and decided that losing my bankcard was a sign that I could do it too.

I left Huautla, De Jimenez where my mate JOB, THE GREATEST had been sleeping me and feeding me at his families place, “It`s no problem, don`t worry about it” he kept saying, and he meant it, absolutely without any requirement of return, no black book. A living essence of giving.

I walked up the mountain towards TUXTEPEC, with amazing forest mountain vistas, I was bitten on the back of the leg by a crazed fucking dog and swore that I would carry a stick from then on and bash the jesus out of anything that came near me again.

This mungrel on the far left with it’s tail curled up ran off in accomplishment straight after biting me.

on the path to TUXTEPEC

on the path to TUXTEPEC

I slept in the concrete shell of a house on such a beautiful mountain. I crapped outside then had the owners show up while I was in the doorless front room looking out onto the road. I heard the car pullup and stopped breathing for 2 minutes until they discovered me. They froze with stunned looks on their faces which turned to smiles, “No problem” they said. They didn`t see the present I left outside for them though. Hahahah I actually did it on a flat piece of wood then flung it over the side of the mountain. hahahah.

When I was sleeping a dog had sniffed me out and was barking demonically out the front in the darkness, I was so fucking sick of the dogs man, so sick. It didn’t come in but I had to barricade the entry and sit up hoping it would come and peel my face off.

The View from the concrete shells back door

The View from the concrete shells back door

The next morning before daylight a mexicano picked me up and took me to Tuxtepec after shouting me super dry vegetarian quesaldias which constipated me for 5 days. Me and tortillas are finished.

I had no money and walked into town and sold my brand new Iphone 4 (which I got in New York 1 month ago) to some dudes for 1150 Pesos which is a FAMILY FISH AND CHIPS in Australia. I bata`d for a nights accomodation at their friend`s house Pablos, who made me food. I had a cold shower, washed my clothes and slept on his concrete floor and was terrorised by biting winged gnats all night which my blood is still poisoned from and has left my lower legs furiously itchy.  Mexicans seem to live in harmony with them, they have no flyscreens on their houses and sit well into the night with all their windows and doors open and don`t seem to be bitten by them.

Below is a photo of Pablito.


Got a bus to Veracruz which is a shit hole. Was helped by some young legend called XON find my way to the highway where I started hitchiking to the Guatamalan border to fly to Beunos Aires because it was 600$ cheaper than Veracruz. The sticky, lollipop tropical jungle heat made me crazy OH MY GOD thats right. Something happened that I will NEVER forget.

While trying to get a ride, this chocolate 20 something kid comes cycling one of those jalopy things sweating incredulously, he greeted me and it would appear he had cerebral palsy, he was offering me a lift but I told him I had no money and I was going miles away anyway. He kept saying something to me which I couldn’t understand and staring right into my eyes. He was frowning and I started freaking and became defensive. “No deniro gway, Me noh Deniro amigo….AMIGO, ME NOH DENIRO, COMPRENDEZ??” (I have no money) I was getting pissed off. I looked away anticipating a possible strike from him noting the veins in his forehead and gritting teeth. I was confident I could defend myself and prepared. He reaches into his back pocket and pulls out a roll of bills and hands me a 50, he was saying “How much do you need.” I almost fucking cried. I hugged his sweaty shirt with tears in my eyes and declined. He peddled away in the heat haze.
What else am i wrong about?

This is obviously going to be a long post. Need a toilet break? You having fun? hahahahah. Ok.


Hitchiking to the border in the bullshit heat, a bunch of motor transmission workers take me in and fill my water bottle and feed me bloody quesaldias. I wasn`t going to knock them back, I was hungry and the dudes were awesome.

I got about 5 rides south fairly easily. On one horizon I saw a group of women with a kid trying to hitch. I could have easily stuck my thumb up from where I was and rode sweet, I was miles away but I knew this was the moment to do the right thing. I walked passed them and said “Beunos Suartes” (good Luck), they were picked up by a truck soon after.

Later on after many lifts About 2pm I was dropped off miles up the road from where I had asked, the dude just flew by the road I wanted even though I had shown him a map and was telling him to pull over. I just sat and wondered what was in store for me now. “Tranquilo” he said. (relax)

I got out and stepped on my brand new raybans (The John LENNONS). I walked to a toll booth, it was searing and swarming with insects. Their was a huge army presence there including barracks and a security check. They looked through my stuff and didn`t notice that I was actually there illegally without a tourist visa.

I stuck my thumb out and NOONE would stop, so I walked for 5 hours. I got a short ride with a family who were taking the matriach to the doctor. The father told me how hard it was to feed his kids here. Oh mate I didn`t doubt it, I wanted to get the hell out of there already, it was terribly muggy, swampy and jungly, with little scattered shacks in fields, donkey shit, wild dogs and shrouded in pessimism. (Maybe just mine).

A kid in the back of the short ride I got. His dog was trying to attack me before the ride. These dogs must just beinfuriated by white people. The Kid shouts "REGRESSO!" to the dog and I piss myself laughing and repeat it for the next 3 hours.

A kid in the back of the short ride I got. His dog was trying to attack me before the ride. These dogs must just beinfuriated by white people. The Kid shouts “REGRESSO!” to the dog and I piss myself laughing and repeat it for the next 3 hours.

I started to lose my mind about 7pm when the sun went down. Smashing the grass with my stick, singing –

“Everytime, I turnaround,

you break my heart,

I`ll keep walking,

won`t turn around no more.”

I`ve never been picked up by a truck, ever. Tthey don`t ever give a shit or even wave. It`s company policy not to pick up hitchers everywhere. Sometimes I signal them, sometimes I don`t, but now everytime I signal them they break me and to stop it hurting I decide I`m not going to signal them anymore.

There is nowhere to sleep, the mosquitoes are thick and flock to my white skin, either side of the road is dense tropical growth and swamp, I fucking hate this, why am I doing it! Please No! PLEASE I keep saying. I lay down on the side of the road and realise I`m going to have to power up and commit to walking allnight with my stick. I know it`s dangerous around here because they told me it was, “Hentai Mala`s” they said. Hentais is people and Mala means bad.

I was stretching my knees and could see a huge truck coming towards me in the sunless eve, at the last minute I threw my thumb up quickly in a half effort thinking “you never know”. For a split second I saw the drivers eyes look at me as he zoomed past. That`s it I said Youve got to shut them out to get through this, you can`t afford to get weak. I kept walking and That motherfucker stopped.

100 metres up THE ROAD! HE stopped! I could NOT BELIEVE IT!

I ran like hell towards his truck watching the red tail lights turn on and off expecting him to drive away any second, but he didn`t. I threw my stick in the weeds and jumped up to his window. “Guatamala” I said. He motioned me to jump in, he was going to Comitan which was apx 300 km’s from the Mexican Guatamalan border.

He started driving, and pointed into the back cabin where a little set of brown legs lay in the dark, his 5 year old son is riding with him.

I’m high up in that bouncing passenger seat like a king man, I`ve never been in a truck before and I can`t believe he has picked me up, I cannot fucking  believe it! I can`t  stop smiling, surely I must be doing something right in life to be rewarded like this. I rejoiced punching a clenched fist into my hand saying YES!!! and gritting my teeth. He looked at me and said “NO!” shaking his head in alarm. I explained to him, “Me Felis, TU, aventon.” (I`m so happy you gave me this ride.) He realised what I was saying and slapped my open palm with the most celebratous low five I`ve ever experienced.

We drove allnight, He was so enthusiastic, he would hold out both his hands pressing downwards, adjusting his position in his seat, saying Cmon please, OK wait, wait, as he quietened me and prepared to explain something profound which I couldn`t understand at all. He smiled the whole time, he told me “Me gusta” and something to the device of he was fucking happy I was in his truck. He told me in his 15 years he never picks up hitchikers but saw me walking down the road and saw “Hentai” and decided to pick me up. This is a special day man, I will never forget it.

His son Santiago wakes up and is very shy, he won`t look at me or talk to his dad. I have a feeling he is really upset because I`m sitting in his seat, there’s nowhere for him. I suggested he was timid to his father and his father agreed. Later on Santiago started crying and I apologised to his father who reassured me it was ok.

We made a make do seat in between both of us behind the gear stick. Little Santiago would not shut his mouth for the rest of the night, talking talking talking with a sweet little 5 year olds voice, I adored him. We broke for CAFE about 2am and I payed for the bill, I wanted him to know that although I had little money I didn`t give a shit and that I was so grateful of him.

We got to Comitan about 4 am and he invited me to sleep across the front seats in his truck while he and “Chago or Chagito” slept in the back. I smiled as I drifted off to sleep, this is why that dude dropped me off miles away from where I’d asked. Thankyou from the bottom of my heart.


The next morning I hung with Chagito while Papa lined the truck up to deliver his goods at the supermarket. I took a photo of them then bailed on a series of sweaty buses to the Guatamalan border. The only reason I came down here with my mexican authorityless UNSTAMPED Passport was because I went to immigration in mexico city and they said it would be cool when I got to the border. Guatamala thought otherwise and wouldn`t stamp my shit. My blood boiled because I knew they wouldn`t let me on a plane out of the country and I would have to fucking go all the way back to Tijuana to leave and I had NO fucking money. Choclate people were in my face trying to sell me stuff, there was street stalls everywhere, flies, bugs, beggars, cripples, rotting fruit and stinking vultures everywhere and I was stuck. I hated everything and everyone and wanted to go home so I went to an internet cafe and made a pleading facebook post to my friends.

I was planning to enter Guatamala anyway and get to the airport.

I was inundated with offers and advice, and everyone of them helped me get through so thankyou EVERYONE.

In the end My mate TREMAYNE EAST wired me money and got my ass the hell out of there and it wasn`t without much stress.

I just got a 17 hour freezing bus ride back to Mexico City without a jumper, NEVER AGAIN. I went straight to the airport and was ABLE to sort out this visa mess for 295pesos. It didn`t seem like a big deal at all. But everything for a reason, RIGHT?

I`m flying to New York tomorrow thanks to my mate DILLON SOCMAS buying air tickets for me. I’m going somwhere else the day after AND IM NOT TELLING YOU YET WHERE IT IS HAHAHAHAH. It`s not Beunos Aires this time because the tickets are 1700$. Sorry Paula.

If my new york FAM wanna get with ME I`ll be there from Monday morning 1201am til 5pm that night.

It will all work out in the end, you know it, we both know (right Bassett?)

Unedited, unabridged, (what does that mean anyway?) un giving a fuck.

Love you,

Love me.

BEATNIK!! note the size of that backpack now, carry ON LUGGAGE ONLY BABY!!! xxxx


One Comment

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  1. July 14, 2013

    So glad it all worked out, Heemie! I thoroughly enjoyed your blog. I love the part when you are so thankful for being picked by the truck. While reading, I was picking up your frustration so you obtaining that ride was a relief to me as well, the reader. That’s what life is a bout, isn’t it? Savoring those small moments that give us joy and pop intermittently between the less joyful times. If it was all down hill (easy) we wouldn’t find so much comfort in them, I reckon.

    I can’t believe a dog bit you. I bet you have had your fill of dogs for a decade, you poor dear!

    I am happy that you are going to continue writing. Yeah, sure it’s ego but there is a certain amount of ego humans need to develop a strong sense of self and individuality. I am fully confident that you will know when/if you go too far. I also think it’s quite natural to want to share your moments with people who appreciate them. 🙂

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